Act I: Let's Have Lunch

JOE:

Hi there, Myron

MYRON:

How's it hanging?

JOE:

I've got a date with Sheldrake

MYRON:

I'm shooting a Western down at Fox

JOE:

How can you work with Darryl?

MYRON:

We should talk

JOE:

Gotta run

BOTH:

Let's have lunch

MARY:

Hi, Mr. Gillis

JOE:

You look great!

MARY:

I'm up for an audition

JOE:

Sheldrake is driving me insane

MARY:

Don't forget me when you're casting

JOE:

We should talk

MARY:

Gotta run

BOTH:

Let's have lunch

JOE:

Morning, Joanna

MARY:

Hi, there Myron

JOANNA:

Who are you meeting?

MYRON:

You look great

JOE:

Sheldrake, but do I need it

MARY:

I've spent the last month fasting

JOANNA:

I'm handing in my second draft

MYRON:

I'm shooting a Western down at Fox

JOE:

I'd really love to read it

MARY:

Don't forget me when you're casting

JOANNA:

We should talk

MYRON:

We should talk

JOE:

Gotta run

MARY:

Gotta run

ALL FOUR:

Let's have lunch

JOE (spoken):

Yeah, I had an appointment with Mr. Sheldrake

JONES (spoken):

Name?

JOE (spoken):

Gillis. Joseph Gillis

JONES (spoken):

All right, sir, you know your way?

JOE (spoken):

Yeah

FIRST FINANCEMAN:

We want the keys to your car

SECOND FINANCEMAN:

You're way behind with the payments

FIRST FINANCEMAN:

Don't give us any fancy footwork

SECOND FINANCEMAN:

Give us the keys

JOE:

I only wish I could help

I loaned it to my accountant

He has an important client down in Palm Springs

Felt like shooting the breeze

FIRST FINANCEMAN:

Are you telling us you walked here?

JOE:

I believe in self-denial

I'm in training for the priesthood

SECOND FINANCEMAN:

OK, wise guy, three hundred bucks

FIRST FINANCEMAN:

Or we're taking the car

SECOND FINANCEMAN:

We have a court order

JOE (spoken):

I love it when you talk dirty

SAMMY:

Bless you, Joseph

JOE:

That you, Sammy?

SAMMY:

How do you like my harem?

JOE:

How come you get such lousy breaks?

SAMMY:

One learns to grin and bear 'em

GIRLS:

This is the biggest film ever made

JOE:

What're you playing?

ANITA:

Temple virgin

DAWN:

Handmaiden to Delilah

JOE:

Let's have lunch

Gotta run

You've got to find me a job

I'm way behind with my payments

I thought you were meant to be my agent

I need some work

MORINO:

I only wish I could help

This town is dead at the moment

There's been this slowdown in production

JOE (spoken):

Who is this jerk?

MORINO:

He's my wunderkind from Broadway

Every major studio wants him

YOUNGER MAN:

Playing one against the other

JOE:

What I need is three hundred bucks

MORINO (spoken):

Maybe what you need is a new agent

JOE:

Hello, Artie

ARTIE:

Joe, you bastard!

JOE:

You never call me any more

ARTIE:

Found a cuter dancing partner

How are things?

JOE:

Not so great

ARTIE:

Will this help?

Twenty bucks?

JOE (spoken):

Thanks, you're a pal

ALL (spoken):

Good morning, Mr. DeMille

Hi Mr. DeMille

SHELDRAKE:

This is Sheldrake

Bring some water

Get me that ****head Nolan

Nolan, sweetheart

Great to talk

This draft is so much brighter

You're the best

Even so

I've hired another writer

SECRETARY (spoken):

Mr. Gillis

SHELDRAKE:

Joe! What the **** brings you here?

JOE (spoken):

You wanted to see me

SHELDRAKE (spoken):

I did? What about?

JOE (spoken):

"Bases Loaded." It's an outline for a baseball picture

SHELDRAKE (spoken):

So, pitch

JOE (spoken):

It's about a rookie shortstop. He's batting .347. The kid was once mixed up in a holdup. Now he's trying to go straight

SHELDRAKE (spoken):

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think I have read this. Somebody, bring in what we've got on...

JOE (spoken):

"Bases Loaded."

SHELDRAKE (spoken):

..."Bases Loaded."

JOE (spoken):

They're pretty hot for it over at Twentieth

SHELDRAKE (spoken):

Good!

JOE (spoken):

But can you see Ty Power as a shortstop?

ENSEMBLE:

Let's have lunch

BETTY (spoken)

Here's that "Bases Loaded" material, Mr. Sheldrake

I made a two-page synopsis for you,

but I wouldn't bother to read it

SHELDRAKE (spoken):

Why not?

BETTY (spoken):

It's just a rehash of something

that wasn't very good to begin with

SHELDRAKE (spoken):

Meet Mr. Gillis. He wrote it

ENSEMBLE:

We should talk

SHELDRAKE

(spoken)

This is Miss Kramer

BETTY (spoken)

Schaefer. Betty Schaefer.

And right now,

I'd like to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me

JOE (spoken)

If I could be of any help...

BETTY (spoken)

I'm sorry, Mr. Gillis, I couldn't see the point of it

JOE (spoken)

What sort of material do you suggest?

James Joyce? Dostoyevsky?

BETTY (spoken)

I think pictures should at least try to say a little something

JOE (spoken)

I see you're one of the message kids

I expect you'd have turned down "Gone With the Wind"

SHELDRAKE (spoken)

No, that was me

ENSEMBLE:

Gotta run

BETTY (spoken):

And I guess I was disappointed

I've read some of your other work

and I thought you had some real talent

JOE (spoken):

Yeah, that was last year. This year I felt like eating

BETTY (spoken):

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Gillis

SHELDRAKE (spoken):

Thank you, Miss Kramer

Well, looks like Zanuck's got himself a baseball picture

ENSEMBLE:

We should talk

Gotta run

Let's have lunch

JOE:

You've got to give me some work

I'll take whatever's on offer

There must be some shit that needs a rewrite

Throw it my way

SHELDRAKE:

I only wish I could help

There's no spare shit at the moment

Remember the greatest writers starved in garretts

Didn't care about pay

JOE:

Are you trying to be funny?

SHELDRAKE:

I believe in self-denial

Gives a man some moral backbone

JOE:

Can you loan me three hundred bucks?

SHELDRAKE:

I'm sorry, Gillis. Good-bye

JOE:

I just love Hollywood

CROWD (MYRON, CLIFF, SAMMY, MORINO, KATHERINE, LIZ, MARY, JOANNA, DAWN, ARTIE, JOHN, ANITA, ADAM, LISA) :

Morning, Joanna / Where've you been hiding? / Hi there, Lisa

I hate this weather / You look great / What're you doing?

This is the biggest film ever made / I'm trying to make my mind up

Guess I was born to play her/ They're talking nominations

What is my motivation? / You should go work for Warners / Is your new script with Sheldrake?

We shoot next month / Let's drive to Vegas this weekend

I'm handing in my second draft / It's between me and Dietrich

I'd really love to read it / I'd know just how to light you

It won't work / I've landed a big Broadway show/ I'd know just how to light you

We should talk

Gotta run

Let's have lunch!

Hi, good morning

Aren't we lucky?

Going to work with Cukor

Paramount is paradise

Movies from A to Zukor

We should talk, gotta run

Let's have lunch

We should talk

Gotta run

Let's have lunch!

JOE(spoken, to BETTY):

Come to get your knife back?

It's still right there,

Right between my shoulder blades