Welcome to Our House on Maple Avenue

He wants the Hepplewhite suite chairs back in the parlor

Move the GI Joe, it can’t be on the floor

He wants the Dresden figurines back in the breakfront

A slinky messes up the period decor

Get the lemon pledge and dust the —

These should face the same direction

He wants it vacummed

The surface gleaming

He wants it closer to the door

He wants, he wants, he wants

He wants the brass candelabra set at an angle

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The crayons and the glue should go back to the drawer

He wants the bust of Quixote square on the mantel

Sweep that lint away, it’s what a broom is for

Gently wipe the eucalyptas

Polish up the crystal prisms

When he comes down there He wants it ready

We’ve got to get it done before…

He wants, he wants, he wants…

Where’s my bronzing stick!

It’s in the —

Welcome to our house on Maple Avenue

See how we polish and we shine

We rearrange and realign

Everything is balanced and serene

Like chaos never happens if it’s never seen

Every need we anticipate and fill

And still…

He wants the real feather duster used on the bookcase

Find every book we read and carefully restore

He wants them alphabetized by classification

A volume out of place could start a third world war

That’s an inch out of position

Watch it it’s a first edition

What are we missing, what have we left out?

When he comes down here what’s in store?

He wants, he wants, he wants…

Welcome to our house on Maple Avenue

See how we polish and we shine

We rearrange and realign

Everything is balanced and serene

Like chaos never happens if it’s never seen

We’re a typical family quintile

And yet…

Not too bad if I say so myself

I might still break a heart or two

Sometimes the fire burns too hot

I don’t know what I’ll do

Not too bad if I say so myself

Not too bad…

Mrs. Bochner, ’tis pleasure to meet you! Come on in

Obviously still a work in progress

Oh yes yes, I’ve done all the work myself

That’s how we’re able to afford the place

Oh no historic restoration is an avocation for me that’s very flattering

I teach English at Beach Creek High

And the Bechdel Funeral Home is our family business so

This I found yesterday at the dump

I’m also a funeral director

You have a keen eye!

(What is he after?)

(What are we doin’?)

Absolutely I believe Rococo Revival

(Right foot is tapping)

(That means he’s stewing)

Actually would you like one with the family?

(Stay very still and maybe we’ll please him)

(Make one wrong move and demons will seize him)

Kids! Mrs. Bachner wants to take a photo

Hello! Anybody home?

(Try hard what else is family for?)

I’ll be there in a minute!

He wants, he wants, he wants…

He wants more

Caption.

My dad and I both grew up in the small Pennsylvania town

And he was gay, and I was gay

And he killed himself

And I —

Became a lesbian cartoonist.